Feminist Fatigue

The first definition of a feminist I ever heard was from Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche: “a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.” I say this, not as a preface for a column defining feminism, but as a statement that everything I write about comes from that very first, very simple, definition. We’re at a moment in time, where there is a lot of noise to constantly sift through. As a twenty-one year old, this constant conversation–nay contention–over basic equality can feel very exhausting and overwhelming. Especially as someone who very fundamentally believes the empowerment of women benefits everyone.

This past week, I went to therapy, as I usually do every other week. I went into it, and explained that I don’t have a lot stressing me out recently; no school, work, family, or relationship stress. The only thing I could think of that has been at the forefront of my thoughts and constant self-dialogue lately has been society’s increasingly pressing gender issues. November 5th was an emotionally exhausting day. While gender equality is something that has always been a core value for me, since the election, I’ve been more sensitive and disrupted in realizing the harsh priorities of mass-culture. But like all women I know, there isn’t time to ruminate. I gave myself compassion for the day and that was that, because I know how to take myself out of this slump. What energizes me is being knowledgeable. I like knowing that I could walk into a room and educate anyone on any feminist-lacking perspectives they have. I want people to think, wow that girl should have a monthly feminist column... And so, following the American election, my drive to be the smartest feminist in the room, only grew. 

Being a feminist doesn’t feel like a performed agenda where I wake up and write in my journal the three things I’m going to do to help women everyday. It feels intrinsic to me–so much so that I can forget that there’s people who move through their lives without it. What I told my therapist is something I think many outwardly proclaiming feminists probably feel. I told her that I have this feminist-fatigue, this constant battle of struggling with others who don’t share my values. Yes, much of this fatigue and overwhelming feeling comes from the deeply rooted structural imbalances in the world, but a lot of it can come from the people who are close to me. When I’m with friends or family and I hear them say something (purposefully or not) in defense of the patriarchy, I go into feminist superhero mode. I want to instantly “rescue” them from the ways the patriarchy has steered them wrong, and help them see the light that is feminism! …But this isn’t how it goes most of the time…

The other day I was getting coffee with a close friend. We were catching up on each other’s lives and laughing at our high school selves; no part of this conversation was “political” (I say that in quotations because I don’t think equality is political). We were talking as we usually do, when she very slightly, very casually, said something along the lines of not believing in toxic masculinity. The statement was so unremarkable in the grand scheme of our conversation, and yet I found myself sitting there and evaluating what she said for the rest of our time together. Conveniently, my therapy session was the next day, where I contemplated the energy I put into this internal struggle of deciding when to exercise my feminist knowledge and when to “let it go.”

I think the urge to educate yourself and others is not a bad thing. However, I think exhausting yourself by constantly trying to ‘rescue’ people is.

“Many women, I think resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships” What a refreshing feeling this was when I first heard this quote by Andrea Dworkin. This was the first time I had seen this ‘feminist-fatigue’ put into words. I feel this weight of being a feminist and waiting for all other men and women to catch up. But I say catch up, because I do think that as I continue to put power into enlightening myself, this energy must have an output for others. I’m learning that there are better starting points for these discussions; sometimes less political and more empathetic. And always coming back to that original definition of feminism. 

– Gill